I feel in a rut! I don't feel like there is meaning, something to lok forward to, something to feel good about. I guess that is why I spend so much money on ponies that he doesn't like, because I get a rush from it. The next best, I own and see everyday.
It's not like it was when I was in 4-H, doing something, keeping me busy, helping the 4-H, helping the kids, being involved in the horses, the animals. Now I sit at home each day and watch tv, read on the computer, look at the ponies and go to bed. Wake up and do it all over again. I'm in a rut, an early midlife crisis.
I'm bored, I want something to happen, I want the marriage to be here, I want to go to Ireland, I want to own a farm, I want to run a group. I want to help kids be involved, I want to educate them, I want to develop lessons for them, I want to run games and a stable. I want to train, I want to ride, I want my horses and animals with me.

I hate this apartment, I hate what I have, I hate the person I've become. This isn't me. This isn't who I was. I was motivated. I am no longer motivated. I am learning to hate the job I have. It's all I have right now. I want something to focus on. I NEED something to focus on. Being at Horse Bowl yesterday showed this to me. I miss it. I miss the kids, I miss the 4-H.

I need something.